I did it again.  I overcommitted myself.  It seems to happen every year in January and September.

Both months feel like fresh starts to me:  January because it’s a new year full of promise and potential, and September because it’s when the kids go back to school and the days get shorter, the weather starts to cool and I feel like I’m ready to settle back into myself, cozy and scheduled, leaving behind the frenzied activity of summer when we try to fit a year’s worth of outside time into three months.

And what ends up happening, almost without fail, is that I overcommit myself.  I plan projects, enroll in courses, make lists and goals and notes about what I’d like to do.  I start strong — structured days, pregnant with busy-ness, a flurry of beginning all the things.  But after a few weeks, almost without fail, I burn out. I cannot keep up with all to which I have committed, so everything gets only about 60% of me.  Projects are started but not finished, course homework lies on the kitchen island, only half completed, new nutrition plans fall by the wayside because I remember that I don’t really like cooking.

I am trying to do it differently this year. I am inviting in peace, and part of that invitation means allowing myself grace when I fall short of who (I think) I want to be, allowing myself to rest in the space I occupy right now instead of always pulling my life taut like a bow, preparing to launch myself into a better future, because, more often than not, the bow breaks and I crash to the ground further back than where I began.

But I did it again anyway.  I overcommitted myself this month.  It’s hard to resist all the twinkle and glow that bombards me in the weeks leading up to the new year.  Surely if I read this book/eat this food/make this craft/do this project/commit to this group, then I will be worthy/whole/loved/good enough.  But it never works.

But this time is different.  I caught myself in the same pattern: 2 Bible Studies, a 21-day commitment to prayer and fasting (more on that later), a writers’ group, ideas for a new (very) small business, working with a personal trainer, ordering more books from Amazon than I could possibly read in a year, planning a month-long eating plan to reset my system, spending too much time on social media reading about how I can be better in just 5 easy steps….you know the drill, right? So I took a step back and asked myself which of these things was bringing me peace and which were inviting in more stress and feelings of unworthiness.

So I am ever so gently putting aside those things that don’t align with my desire for peace  and giving my whole self  to things which matter most to me. Maybe I will come back to these things at a later date when they can better serve me, or maybe they will be permanently left behind, like spare parts that just took up space.

I am taking control and defining what I want my life to look like and pointing my compass in that direction.  I am reminding myself that there is no one on this earth to whom I need to prove myself.  I am pushing back and laying claim to my place in this world.  And in this place where I plant my flag, there will be peace.  

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Currently reading:  Grace: A Novel by Natashia Deon

Currently listening to:  Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert

Currently loving:  Diffusing Christmas Spirit + Orange essential oils by Young Living.