I started Anne Lamott’s newest book Hallelujah Anyway yesterday. It’s a short, quick read, but full of wonderful insights. So far it’s mostly about forgiveness and mercy, both giving and receiving.

In her book she writes about comforting people who are broken because of mistakes they have made. She says, in part:
“Life can be painful, but I am right here, and you have a good heart. This heart is who you are, not your bad mind.”
(Italics mine)

This heart is who you are, not your bad mind.

I want to tattoo this on my inner forearm so I can see it every day.

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My heart and my mind are often at war.

My heart is the same as it has always been: compassionate, tender, seeking to both give and receive love, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket of affection and dressed in a sequined cape of joy. My heart is full of chatter and warmth and mercy.

My heart has not changed.

My mind, however, has been calloused by the world. It is cynical and sarcastic, impatient and unforgiving, stubborn and righteous.

Life has taught me to hide my tender heart, to protect it at all cost, to bury it under layers of sharp words and to shield it with stubborn pride.

My mind is not who I am , but if you met me right now, you might not know it.

Here’s who I really am:

I am tears in church because there are people who are asking for diapers and toothbrushes for Christmas.

I am uncontrollable sobbing at the end of Ladder 49 because he dies.

I am hop in the car and drive to Eau Claire because my girl is hurting today.

I am put on my tap shoes and dance my heart out on stage, off beat and uncoordinated, just because I can.

I am sing at the top of my lungs and declare how much I love every song that comes on.

I am hugs and giggles and talking too fast and too loud and laugh snorting and twirling in skirts and cotton candy.

This heart is who I am, not my bad mind.

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I don’t know if I am just more aware of mercy because of Anne Lamott’s book or if God is pounding this point into me, but it has come up a few different times in the last 24 hours: twice on messages on the radio and today in my morning reading.

In the book of Exodus God calls the Israelites a stiff-necked people. I have always loved this description for some reason.

Probably because I relate to it.

The Israelites could not seem to learn to fully trust the God who had led them out of Egypt, the God who called them His people, the God who made an eternal covenant with them. Time and time again they complained, questioned, and asked for more than they were given.

They were obstinate, ornery, rebellious.

I don’t know about you, but I sure seem like that sometimes.

God has shown me mercy time and time again. More times that I am even aware of. But me? I am stiff-necked and don’t always give mercy to others. I judge them for their bad mind, not their heart.

I sometimes offer forgiveness but yank it back at the slightest annoyance. It seems that my mercy is often conditional….which is exactly what mercy is not.

I guess what I am offering is conditional amnesia.

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In my reading this morning, this verse naturally popped out at me:

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. -Matt5:7

Ouch, right?

Here I sit, drinking up God’s mercy from a venti Starbucks cup day after day, thinking nothing of it, while I refuse to give a thimbleful of this mercy to the people in my life.

We are called to be Jesus’ hands and feet here on earth. We are called to reflect Him to others. My unmerciful ways are certainly not showing others the Jesus I know.

So I will try to bring mercy into my days. I will soften my heart and my words,  and I will remember to give to others all that God has given me.

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Today I choose: Freedom