Fact

I want you to come over

I want you to bring wine

I want us to talk and laugh and cry and snuggle up close in bed and tell each other that it will be ok and that we will make it because we always make it no matter what has happened or what anyone says

 

I want to feel what I’ve always longed to feel:

protected, cherished, honored, loved, admired.

But it might be too late 

Because betrayal

is betrayal

is betrayal 

 

And there are no words or deeds or promises that will make me trust you again,

Because betrayal

is betrayal

is betrayal

 

And we will never be the same because a line has been crossed that can’t be uncrossed

Words have been screamed and hissed and growled and shot like arrows aimed at the other’s heart

So I scroll through old memories wishing it could be what I thought it was

what I wanted it to be

what I needed it to be

what I waited for it to be

But betrayal

is betrayal

is betrayal

is betrayal

is goodbye.

 

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We saw Orion’s Belt
I thought it was the first time
In our new forever
*
*
*
It wasn’t

 

 

Today I:

Checked on the house.

Talked to him.

Planned a day to get burgers and play darts with Noah.

Didn’t eat.

Found some information I was looking for.

Drank wine.

Kept breathing.

Today was a day I survived, and some days that’s enough.

The ocean, she calls me for reasons I cannot understand.

Her sounds bathe my battered heart, her waves soften my sharp corners and polish the rough edges left by heartbreak and abandoned dreams. 

Her tide comes softly and sweeps away broken promises, erasing missteps and swallowing secrets, allowing me to start anew.  She leaves fresh ground where footprints have not tread, leaving space for me to make a new path.

She is a salve to my soul, a promise of new beginnings, soothing my sins and sorrows. 

Her hushed tones whisper of forgiveness, protection, anonymity, and community.

She is both wildly unpredictable and the surest way to count the days.  Her depths are to be feared, consuming even the light itself, but her surface can hold the heaviest vessel afloat. 

Some days I float gently on her surface, letting her waves lap my skin and carry me along at her whim, feeling comfort in her chaos.

Other days I sit on the shore and fear her wrath, knowing that I cannot contain her, only seek shelter and let the storm pass. 

Her eternal rhythm grants me solace, a reliable voice in this unreliable world. 

I understand her and she listens to me. We are at once bound and boundless.  

We speak the same language, one of rhythm not words, one that demands to be felt, not heard.

The ocean and I, we are one. 

Around here life looks like this right now:

Noah is settling in at Iowa State. Move in day was tough for me.  Noah is a pretty classic introvert and it takes him a while to warm up to people.  His roommate wasn’t arriving until the next day and he didn’t know anyone on his floor.  When we finally left him he was alone in his room with no plans for the evening and said that he was just going to take a nap.

My mama’s heart was shattered.

I sobbed a good deal of the three and a half hour drive home thinking about him alone in his room.  I still tear up thinking about it.

I was so, so worried that he wasn’t going to be able to connect with people and that he would spend most of his time alone.

But he found an old friend from elementary school and was able to hang out with him and his roommate.  They visited fraternities and before the week’s end Noah had signed with one and has been busier than ever.

I am relieved and overjoyed to see him doing so well.  He seems to have already come into his own and we can tell by his texts and phone calls that he is taking college seriously and that he seems to have suddenly matured by leaps and bounds.  (Maybe all of those years of nagging teaching him about organization and responsibility really sunk in? 🙂 )

My hope is that he is taking his sister’s advice because it was pretty spot on.  I know it would have changed my college experience.

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Kayla is in her first week of student teaching and will graduate in December.  She said her first day was good but overwhelming.  Lots of meetings and preparation ahead of the students arriving next week.

I can’t say this enough:  I am so, so proud of her for being such a rock star at college-ing.  She had some pretty big roadblocks to overcome, not the least of which was taking a semester off to get the help she needed for an eating disorder.

It would have been really easy for her to extend one semester into a few more to save money and focus on her recovery.  It would have been even easier for her to just stay home where it was comfortable and predictable and safe and to put her education on a back burner.

But that’s not our Kiki.

She powered through and put her whole self into getting healthy.  She went right back to school, took extra credits each semester and summer classes this year so she could graduate in a timely manner, and she had more than one semester with a 4.0 GPA.

I could not imagine her being in any other profession.  Her servant’s heart and innate desire to help and advocate for those who need it is palpable.  She was born to do this and I know that she will be a blessing to all those who encounter her.

She is my hero.

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Bruce is in a stressful season at work but somehow he manages to leave it at the office every day.  I love that about him.

He is still running regularly and I really think this helps manage his stress levels.

He has been focusing on more books and less TV, but now that football season has begun I’m sure that will change. 🙂  He got season tickets to ISU football games and is very excited about visiting his son and his alma mater several times over the next couple of months.

He is also taking more adventures with me and we are exploring our state and our new life together.

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I am settling into this new empty nest.  It’s amazing how much things have changed over the last couple of years.

Noah didn’t take his car to school and every time I come home and see it in the driveway I have a brief moment of excitement thinking he’s home.

I miss both of my kids terribly but am so glad to see them thriving.

I’m preparing for a new year of Women’s Bible Study at church.  I was asked to be a small group leader this year and to be honest, I’m terrified.  I’ve been doing the first couple of weeks of the study ahead of time so that I can at least feel prepared.

I also accepted a part time job at Athleta.  I’ve only had two shifts so far but I am loving it! It seems to be a really good fit for my schedule, my need to get out of the house, and of course my love of activewear. 🙂

This summer was mostly consumed with graduation and college preparation so I didn’t get outside to walk/hike as much as I usually do and I’m looking forward to doing more of that this fall. The weather has been unusually mild (read: gorgeous) for August and I’m even considering a drive up to the North Shore for a day or two to explore and enjoy time outside.

I am in a really, really good place right now — emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I have had days where I have felt so clear headed and have had so much energy that I don’t quite know what to do with myself.

I haven’t felt this good for years and years — probably since before my mom died in 2005.

Being in a fog had become so normal to me that I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy (if I ever knew what it felt like in the first place).

And here’s the thing–this happiness isn’t a result of circumstances. It’s independent of anything that’s going on in my life.  I think it’s a result of making peace with my demons and feeling more in control of what’s going on in my life.

It has been a long, hard road to get here and there have been some really rough patches.  I haven’t always acted like the person I know myself to be, but I’ve clung to that person as if my life depended on it. (And to be honest, it did.)

There has been a crapload of therapy and some pretty serious lifestyle changes, and it hasn’t been easy.  But when I look at who I was and what my life looked like three years ago, I don’t even recognize that person.

When I have hard days and have to make tough choices, I look back at that and remember that I never, ever want to go back there, so I keep on keeping on.

I’m reconnecting with old hobbies and old friends and just generally feeling like I’m in a great place.

(I also think that some pretty drastic changes in my nutrition are a major contributor to my newfound joy.  More on that another day.)

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We booked a trip to Kauai in May!  I am so, so excited to have a week together as a family!

The times we are all together for more than a few hours has become pretty rare and I miss it.  We haven’t been on a beach vacation for years, so I’m looking forward to time relaxing by the ocean, hiking on the island, and just enjoying each other’s company.

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This new phase of life we are in is scary and exciting and adventurous and really quite awesome!

Here’s to creating our new normal! ❤

 

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I’ve been thinking a lot about intentional living lately.  I know this isn’t a new concept and, in fact, has been quite a trendy topic in recent years, but it has really started to settle into my brain recently.

Far more intelligent people than I have written volumes on how to live an intentional life, but I decided that before I try on someone else’s idea of what it looks like, I wanted to figure out what it means to me.

And for me, it’s really quite simple.  Living an intentional life for me means making choices, often small ones, that align with my values and keep me moving toward the best version of myself.

Again, this isn’t groundbreaking stuff. Except that for me it is.

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I have always had a natural tendency to think that life is something that just happened to me.  I lived reactively, always responding to what took place instead of authoring it.  Certainly there have been things in my life around which I had no control, but there have been far more things around which I did have control and chose poorly.

I’m an impulsive person by nature.  I don’t see this as an entirely negative thing, just a true one.  It brings with it passion, spontaneity, and lots of excitement.  It also means that I sometimes do what I feel like doing rather than what I should do, and that’s where things get tricky.

Letting my emotions be a compass for my decisions has gotten me into a lot of sticky situations over the years.

This idea of living intentionally and moving toward the best version of myself is appealing because it puts me in control and allows me the opportunity to ask myself what the result of my actions will be.  It also carries with it the reality that I can never be who I’m not.

I’m not trying to make myself more like anyone else.

I’m not trying to change the essence of who I am.

I’m not trying to morph into a person who embodies the best qualities of everyone I know and is free of imperfections.

I’m simply acknowledging and accepting the person that I am, flaws and all, and making choices day by day that align with my values.

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We love fun facts in our house…the little pieces of trivia that make life more interesting.

The other day Noah said, “Fun fact: Did you know that you see the best version of yourself when you look in the mirror?”

(Side note: This explains why every time I look at a picture of myself I say, “Is that what I really look like??”)

I think this is true with life as well.  I think we know who we are in our hearts and we know what we value and what we believe to be true and real and important.  We know the best version of ourselves.

But sometimes our actions don’t reflect that.

When I lose my temper.

When I tear down others instead of building them up.

When I use sarcasm as a way to communicate.

When I put my needs above the needs of my family.

These (and a million other) things don’t show people the best version of myself that I know I could be.  If I saw myself from the outside, would I say “Is that what I really look like to others?”

The idea of living intentionally brings me peace because it gives me the chance to show others who I truly am.

It permits me to let go of the strongholds that keep me stuck, the things that I do more out of habit than out of any purpose.  Things that no longer serve me.

It allows me to be fully myself and no one else.  I get to make the rules for who I am and who I want to be.  I get to decide what I’d like my life to look like.  I get to make the choices that keep me on the path to that destination and live in alignment with I believe to be true and real and important.  It also allows me to be at peace right where I am while making choices that I know will bring long term growth and joy.

It frees me from the idea that I have to prove myself to anyone. 

And that’s life altering stuff right there.

My baby is launching.

It’s exciting and terrifying and promising and sad and exhilarating.

For all of us.

I’m not going to lie and say that my kids are the most tight knit siblings that have ever been, but they do have a bond.  They are very different people and their relationship is complicated and slippery and sometimes tense, but I know without a doubt that they would take a bullet for each other.  When push comes to shove, they will always have each other’s back. They’ve proven this time and again.

Like with this letter Kayla wrote to Noah as he heads to college:

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You made it!! I don’t want to sound cliche but I am so proud of the person you’ve become. I have been incredibly lucky to have you as a brother and could not have asked for a better person to grow up with. As you go to college, I want to give you some advice that I wish I had known and followed my freshman year — from one college student to another!

1. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone.  The first year in the dorms it’ll feel like your only choice is to hang out with the first person you meet just because they’re there. And yes, at first this works while you’re finding your group of people, but don’t waste your time with someone you don’t like all that much, there will be others!
2. It might take a while to find your people.  On social media it looks like everyone is constantly doing fun things and maybe you’re just sitting in your dorm because you haven’t found your group of core friends, but be patient. You’ll find people you like everywhere: the dorms, classes, any activity you join and even just mutual friends. It might not happen instantaneously–I am finally just starting to find my people! But they’re worth the wait and you’re not doing anything wrong if you don’t find them right away.
3. People probably aren’t having as much fun as it looks like they are on social media— especially the first year! People try to convince everyone that they’re having as much fun in college as everyone else, so don’t believe everything you see on social media.
4. Say yes as much as possible (to the safe things.) I made the mistake of putting school before virtually everything my first few years, and sometimes this meant I missed out on various fun things I could have done. And while yes, sometimes it is important to get your school work done (please don’t fail out 😉 ), it’s more important to make memories. Say yes, go out and have a good time – and don’t miss out on any opportunities to make memories.
5. Start your projects early.  Seriously, there is nothing worse than waiting until the night before and then having a panic attack because of the stress and lack of sleep. Start a week early, even if it’s just brain storming. You won’t regret it.
6. Call Mom and Dad at least once a week. They miss us, and I think you’ll be surprised at how much you’ll miss them. And that’s okay. It’s hard to leave home and it will be an adjustment. You might feel scared or anxious, or both. But that’s normal, and calling Mom always makes me feel better.
7. Ask for help when you need it. Don’t try to do it all on your own. You can always call me, Mom, Dad, or any of your friends from home to help you out. Not asking for help can lead to situations where you feel overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. It’s not weakness to ask for help!
8. It’s okay to be scared shitless.  College is one of the most confusing, wonderful, strangest times of your life, and sometimes you’re going to feel like everything is spiraling out of control and you don’t have any control of any aspect of your life. This is completely expected and I would be worried if you did feel like you have it all together. Remember that no one else knows what they’re doing either. You’re all in the same boat. It’ll all work out in the future.
9. Work hard.  Yes, college is for drinking, making friends and having a good time, but remember that you’re also there to get to a career path for the rest of your life. It’ll be extremely important to stay on top of your work, study before tests and get in touch with your professors.
10. Make connections with professors.  Go to their office hours, ask questions before/after class, and just chat with them! I love all of my professors and having those good relationships means that sometimes they’ll help you out with an assignments, or be a little lenient at the end of the semester with their grading! I’ve even had professors write me letters of recommendation for jobs. Plus they’re just all around cool people for the most part.
11. You’re going to be just fine.  Like I’ve already said, sometimes you’re going to be overwhelmed and feel helpless, but I know you and I know you can figure out any situation life throws at you. You’ve got the skills, resources and people supporting you to do anything you want to put your mind to. You’re a great kid and you’ll move mountains on this planet.
12. You can call me for anything, anytime, anywhere.  I’ll always answer a call from you and help you out in any situation you may find yourself in. I want you to succeed and be the best version of you. And I’ve been around the college block a few times, so please call me whenever you need anything, ever.

I love you, baby brother! I hope this advice helps you a little bit as you go out on this next big journey. I am thrilled to see where college takes you and hear about all the memories you are making. It’s going to be scary and hard and overwhelming sometimes, but Noah, it is going to be such a beautiful, fun, exciting adventure. Don’t forget your roots, go to God when you need him, call me for anything, and play hard but work harder.

Never doubt your ability. You are amazing.

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And this, my friends, is what it’s all about.

All the arguing, all the bickering, all the tattling, all the times I said, “You guys work it out” (and they did)….

This is why we do it.

Because they have each other’s back, even when we don’t see it.